It seems like every day I come across some things that irritate me and I don't express them enough to you, my beautiful/handsome/sexy reader. It's not that there's not anything substantial to write about these days, I mean DADT is about to be repealed, there was a plane crash today, Israel and Turkey are mending their recent rift, and Snookie and The Situation made an appearance on VH1; I just think there are some less substantial things to be thinking about on this day, the five day eve of my twenty first birthday.
Gripe 1: Napkins
Some form of a napkin has been used to wipe away tears, food, and fecal matter from the faces and hands of humans for centuries. From handkerchief to the paper napkin enjoyed by us daily, there are a cornucopia of different forms of them readily available for our cleaning pleasure. My issue is the design on them. Just sit back and remember the last time you cared about the pink flowers that were obviously hand drawn on your napkin. If you can honestly say, with the exception of holiday gatherings (that was for you, mom), that you buy napkins specifically for the design, then I sincerely dislike you to a point where you're going to have to make some significant strides to improve our tarnished relationship.
Gripe 2: Disrespect
I'm going to start this one by stating a positive: every student at SUNY Brockport is ridiculously good about holding the door for you. It is almost sick. I can be 7 strides away and the nice girl with the Vera Bradley purse will hold the door so I don't have to expend my precious energy opening the door again. Now for the negative: Is it so hard to say "Hi" back? When I'm walking by myself and another person is walking towards me about to pass inches from me, I am going to say hi or "hey how's it going?" At least fifty percent of the time I get eye contact but not even a head nod acknowledging my existence back. Come on, people, sleep well knowing you dodged a hello.
Gripe 3: More Disrespect
Yep, more disrespect will be discussed now because I think this one deserves its own paragraph. Stop being disrespectful towards police officers. It is ridiculous to listen to someone complain about getting a speeding ticket. I understand that NO ONE wants to get a citation of any form, but to follow up your displeasure with "he has nothing else to do" or "the cop was an asshole" is just asinine. Are there some sworn police officers who aren't nice to deal with or inquire about things that you have nothing to do with? Yes, absolutely, but you have to think about the person wearing the uniform for a second; this cop deals with nine people who are rude and disrespectful for every ten people they talk to. I believe that police officers deserve to be given the same respect and dignity that we give to US troops.
Gripe 4: People who hate Top Gun
This one is short, if you hate Top Gun because you think the underlying meaning is that Maverick and Goose had a subtle homosexual relationship, you're an idiot. It is a piece of cinematic gold!
Gripe 5: Peanut M&M's
If you like peanut M&M's more than regular M&M's you need to lay low because you are going to be recruited by a cult that is planning to overtake the government and make America a communist nation. Also, come on they are awful! I love peanuts and I obviously love M&M's but nothing that delicious should ever be altered in any way and if you disagree then you are one step away from the girl who chose to eat the dried raisins for dessert instead of the apple crisp.
Gripe 6: Spiders
Can't we just get rid of them all? They are the creepiest insect on the planet and they need to go. For all of you Environmental Science junkies, you're saying to yourself (or out loud), "But Dave, Spiders help manage insect populations by eating lots of insects and medical research using spider venom has yielded several chemicals that may be useful to control or treat diseases in human!" Well, my good friend who has researched "positives of spiders" on Google, in my professional opinion, we can find better ways to manage the insect populations, and we will use stem cell research to produce artificial venom. Quick thought: do spiders have stem cells? Look it up, I won't.
That's all the gripes I have for you today. I'm off to bed to enjoy dreams of napkins, M&Ms, and a clean living-room (it is gross in my house right now). Sleep well and buy me M&Ms for my 21st birthday.
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